Yogini Reflections

Yoga for me is a process of evolution. As I become more disciplined in my practice I’m learning how to be patient with myself. The whole thing with healing is, it never stops. There’s no goal to reach, level to master up too, or perfect balance of health to achieve. To reach a balance of strength, wellness, and stability you have to consistently focus on that and practice to maintain it. Sometimes it even resets. One day I feel as if I made a leap of progress and another day I may feel like I’m starting from scratch. I embrace the process and sink further into the present moment with Yoga.

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An introspective focus comes over me during my practice. Lately I’ve been less focused on the movements and more drawn to my core. Awareness is directed towards my solar and throat chakra. I visualize my heart full of green light. I direct that love energy through my veins upward towards my throat and down towards my naval. I observe the words that arise and the energy in motion. Are they kind? Am I calm? I slow my breath and quiet my mind ceasing judgement. Yoga is a never ending journey of revelations and spiritual growth. It acts as my own personal guide into mediation. Slowing the breath and movements creates a feeling of oneness with the spirit and body.

I noticed recently the fluidity of my transitions into wheel pose. I raise my hands towards the sky, perform a sun salutation than allow them to reach backwards bending my back until my hands land softly on the ground falling into wheel pose. There once was a time when I wouldn’t allow my hands to reach the ground, or relax my spine and shoulders enough to even bend back that far. I would freeze mid back bend, bending my knees, and squeezing my shoulders. I would get so tense because I wasn’t breathing. I wasn’t focused on my inner being so I wasn’t in tune with my body. In all honesty I was scared. In that moment of realization I understood what Yoga was actually doing to me.

It was forcing me to address the fear that I was harboring inside. The fear that gave birth to self doubt, insecurities, and distrust. It wasn’t merely that I wasn’t flexible to reach the ground, it was that I didn’t trust myself to catch myself. I dug even deeper and reflected on years when I was resentful, regretful, and distrustful of my own judgement. I was in a confused place which I stored in my memory and organs. I came to a spot in this spiraling journey where I was able to identify how past trauma was playing out subconsciously in my actions and behavior.

Yoga is when I study self and I’m thankful for these moments of truth and acceptance. It’s important as we heal to be honest and mindful of what we are telling self. Acknowledging growth within yourself feeds your inner motivator and starves the inner critic.

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